


when you lose everything

by perfecthuman



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Captain America Civil War - Freeform, M/M, Not Established Relationship, but also kinda happy you know, mid credit scene, my first fic??, spoilers for Civil War, steve is hurt and lonely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:03:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6686554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perfecthuman/pseuds/perfecthuman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*CAPTAIN AMERICA CIVIL WAR SPOILERS*<br/>This is a fic that spoils the mid credit scene of CIVIL WAR, please do not read it if you haven't seen the movie yet.</p><p> </p><p>Everything is a huge mess. When you lose your family, you need to find a new one, but what if no one can replace this hole in your heart, if you only need one person to feel alive?<br/>Bucky has a special kind of wish and Steve doesn't know if he can accept it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when you lose everything

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this is my first fanfiction written in English and it's my third language. Feel free to tell me all my mistakes!

After all what happened, all this sadness and chaos, Steve can finally say he is happy. Of course he is a criminal now and has to hide as long as he can - thanks for T'challa for giving him a new home - but atleast he has the knowledge now that Bucky is safe.

It's so hard to let him go. "I am afraid. Of myself. Please, let me go back in cryo." When he first said that sentence, Steve couldn't believe his own senses anymore. How could he want that? How could he let this happen? To Steve? Angrily, he shook his head, placed his hands on Bucky's shoulders (and he tried so hard to not hurt his left shoulder where his metal arm was missing) and stared at him. They were alone in the room where Bucky was brought after his operation. He sat on the edge of the bed and didn't dare to look at Steve while saying his wish. 

"I can't let you do this. I found you. We... we can live together, here. We'll try to remember everything, make everything better..." Every last piece of hope left him, when Bucky shook his way away from him. There was this bittersweet smile on his face that Steve couldn't interpret. "Bucky, please... I can't lose you again."

"You won't lose me, Steve. I'll be here, you can always find me in Wakanda. I just... I need to be put away. You don't understand it, Steve. I remember it. I remember all what I did as the Winter Soldier. And I am a monster. There's no way I can stay here with so many people trying to get me, to control m. There's too much of Hydra left."

And then they just stared at each other. Steve knew he couldn't change Bucky's mind. Also, maybe it had a good side to it. Atleast Bucky made the choice. He really wanted to be freezed again. Steve saw it in his eyes, there was no way to change his thoughts. 

Maybe it is better like that, Steve thought. Because Bucky brought something up to Steve's surface, something Steve thought to never really feel again. Of course he tried, with Sharon for example, but all these feelings he had for Peggy, for Bucky... There was a time where Steve thought these special feelings died with the Steve who slept for 70 years. But Bucky was back. He wasn't dead, he was fucking alive and Steve felt so much love suddenly. Everything made sense again. The grass was green again, the sky was the brightest blue he has ever seen, alive, alive, alive. 

How can you love somebody so much? Steve couldn't understand it. But there he stood before Bucky who suffered for such a long time, killed so many people. And still he was the most beautiful creature on Earth. 

"Can I visit you?", Steve bursted out and Bucky looked surpised. It was strange question. "I mean, would you be okay with it? I... I'd really like to maybe talk sometimes. And it would maybe help me. With everything what's going on right now. I just, god, Bucky. You make a mess out of me." There was again this smile of Bucky. He rarely smiled, but you could see how his mouth twitched. Steve just wanted to press his lips on them, but he couldn't do this to Bucky, pressure him into a situation like that. 

"You have to let me go, Steve. Just put me away and let me go."

"I can't, Bucky. Never."

"Why?", both men got these shiney eyes, nearly crying. They knew the answers. Even in the past, Steve's love for Bucky was the most obvious thing in the world. Yes, he loved Peggy too and at the same time his love for Bucky didn't vanished. But the words would never come out of his mouth. 

Steve shook his head a bit before he said, "I'm with you til the end of the line. I respect your choice, Bucky. If you think that this is the best for you, then I'm allright with that. I just want you to be happy." 

The tension grew between them. Bucky opened his mouth to say someting. At the same moment, a nurse came into the room to check his health. He closed his mouth again. There was never the right time to say the words he wanted Steve to hear. 

 

*

"It was his choice, Steve"

Steve turned around, his eyes red and puffy from crying. T'Challa smiled a bit and put a hand on Steve's shoulder. "It's wonderful. To have somebody you can love so much." 

"And painful. But as long as he's safe I'll be alright. I love him so much it's... He's the only thing I have left from the past."

"Were you ever together?", T'Challa asked with this quiet, sorrowfull voice. Steve only laughed as an answer and it was enough to understand.

"If anything happens to him ever again... I won't forgive myself."

**Author's Note:**

> Damn. I have so many feelings after the mid credit scene. I feel like they left out too much? Like I really wanted to see the conversation of Bucky and Steve, because there's no way that they didn't talk long about it 
> 
> civil war was fucking bomb
> 
> please leave some critics in the comments!  
> xx
> 
> Liana


End file.
